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Post by lust on Dec 20, 2004 10:00:40 GMT -5
======= AT THE GRANDPARENTS =======
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW iPod... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
======= Christmas One-Liners =======
Here are some Christmas One-Liners that are sure to keep you laughing throughout the holiday season. So hot they might even melt Frosty!!!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-toe!
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
Did you know that Christmas trees come from Hawaii? Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "O Tanning Balm"?
Every Christmas I get sweaters that are supposed to fit me to a "T". Trouble is, I'm now an "O"!
======= A Dollar for Sunday School =======
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
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Post by DameJinx on Dec 20, 2004 12:17:02 GMT -5
my fave is the last one about the dollar for Sunday school ;D
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Post by X-BOT on Dec 20, 2004 20:08:49 GMT -5
Why did the Snowman never drink soda?
He was avoiding Liquid..
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Post by autobotsdie on Dec 20, 2004 20:24:20 GMT -5
Why do pimps like Santa? Because Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho" ;D
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Post by X-BOT on Dec 20, 2004 21:00:08 GMT -5
Why does Rudolph hate being in the front ?
Because his winshield wipers suck!
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Post by lust on Dec 21, 2004 10:19:14 GMT -5
Have You Heard About The Christmas "CHET" ?
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing ? ?Chet's nuts roasting on an Open Fire!?
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Post by latyrx7 on Dec 22, 2004 0:03:36 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,000]Heh.... hehehe.... haha... HAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHA!![/glow]
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Post by X-BOT on Dec 22, 2004 2:04:53 GMT -5
lol..I laughed more atL7's reaction!
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Post by DameJinx on Dec 22, 2004 10:11:54 GMT -5
that was funny ;D... poor bird
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Post by lust on Dec 22, 2004 10:15:18 GMT -5
Memo from Santa: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately ...
: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately ...... I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Alabama, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace.
3. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
4. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"
5. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
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Post by DameJinx on Dec 22, 2004 10:19:03 GMT -5
brilliant ;D ;D ;D This is the best by far ;D
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Post by autobotsdie on Dec 22, 2004 13:32:34 GMT -5
Sounds like a good redneck Santa to me.
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Post by X-BOT on Dec 22, 2004 14:28:02 GMT -5
Why did Frosty get a tan?
He figured if he was to melt away he might as well look good!
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Post by lust on Dec 23, 2004 9:31:08 GMT -5
Christmas Trivia
1. The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.
2. What is Pogonophobia: The fear of beards.
3. There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle. (But many Krispe Kremes)
4. December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
5. Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
6. Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.
7. Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
8. To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.
1. Reported From Us Magazine, Thanks to Keith Sulliva
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Post by DameJinx on Dec 23, 2004 11:55:09 GMT -5
There is a woman in North America... somewhere... I forget where... her name is Merry... and she married a man with the last name of Christmas.... so she signs every card, cheque... everything...
Merry Christmas
no kidding!!
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